These days aren’t too much different from last time. I feel negative all the time man, I’d say about 65% of the time. I haven’t been wanting to commit suicide as much because I’ve grown rather terrified of dying. I spent some time in Virginia. While I was there it dawned on me that I could die at any given moment. It’s a very simple thought that cycles through my mind periodically throughout the day now. The upside of the thought is that it acts as a sort of reinforcement to value everything as much as possible. That’s been something I’ve been meaning to practice but never got around too. But, in the end I’m still very scared..very consumed by paranoia. I sometimes I feel like people are watching me with the intent to end me. Since I’ve been back in my parents house, I’ve grown weary of darkness which is odd in my case seeing as though I’ve always loved dark settings. I keep feeling like someone is there creeping over me. I haven’t been able to sleep all year due to neck/back problems, etc. but now it’s my dreams. I keep having these violent dreams of me having to brutally murder people in order to survive. I mean, that’s kind of normal for me but, these dreams are just much more consistent now. I also have these reoccurring dreams about my girlfriend Mia. In every single dream, she either cheats on me or leaves me. I strongly feel as though she secretly grows tiresome of me from a mental, emotional, financial & sexual standpoint. I’m taking her on a date tomorrow so I’m hopeful that it positively alters the chemistry between us. If not, I will end my life.
What have I done?
Today seems very fitting for my death. I’m starting to feel helplessly angry & I don’t know what to do. I want to commit suicide. I want whatever higher power there is out there to guide me in the direction I’m meant to go in. Before it’s too late.
I used to feel like the power to completely decide my fate & purpose was 100% within me. Time and time again I’ve proven myself that my belief was inaccurate; I’m not man enough to fight against adversity & win. While simultaneously making sure that I enjoy who I am & the life I live. I also haven’t been able to make the people around me happy. Specifically Mia heard the love of my life.
I grabbed her arms and told her to leave my house today, that was infact one of my worse decisions this year alone. And I can’t take that back, I have to live with it. I make her feel under appreciated, & I shut her down a lot of time she tells me things I don’t want to hear. I don’t know why I do that. I don’t know why I get angry at her. I also go through random periods of neutrality where I don’t want to speak or make eye contact with her or anyone for that matter. And I don’t know why I do that.
The thought of having to explain to anyone why I feel the way that do makes me want to kill myself more and more everyday. I’ve been feeling this way since late April. It’s July now, and my actions have gotten worse.
I don’t want to die but I feel like I need to die. I feel like I’ve locked myself into the narrative of a depressed artist that consciously makes decisions that harms their situation. I constantly mope around & walk with a sad demeanor, I’ve picked up smoking/drinking habits. I’ve categorized myself.
While writing this I found a small sense of urgency to do better. I’m going to call a suicide hotline & vent. I can’t kill myself I must do better for Mia. I love her.
I don’t want to lose Mia, and I also don’t want to lose myself. But I feel like I’ve already lost myself. I am wildly confused. I need to get help.
